01-10-2003, 06:20 PM
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While<br>
on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she<br>
asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months<br>
and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the<br>
hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so<br>
much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.<br>
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing<br>
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in<br>
front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why<br>
didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"<br>
<br>
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."<br>
<br>
=====================================================================<br>
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet<br>
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before<br>
long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard<br>
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.<br>
<br>
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish<br>
setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and<br>
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the<br>
approaching cat.<br>
<br>
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that<br>
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"<br>
<br>
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror<br>
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard.<br>
"That was close. That dog nearly had me."<br>
<br>
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby<br>
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for<br>
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading<br>
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.<br>
<br>
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a<br>
deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool<br>
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to<br>
that conniving canine."<br>
<br>
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and<br>
thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits<br>
down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And<br>
just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey.<br>
I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me<br>
another leopard, and he's still not back!!"<br>
<br>
> >=====================================================================<br>
There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer,<br>
one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an<br>
engineer from Microsoft.<br>
<br>
The car breaks down.<br>
<br>
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the<br>
engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical<br>
engineer.<br>
<br>
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might<br>
be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."<br>
<br>
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer,<br>
"or maybe a faulty plug lead."<br>
<br>
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say.<br>
They ask him, "What do you think?"<br>
<br>
"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and<br>
open the windows again."<br>
<br>
> >=====================================================================<br>
There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious<br>
man.<br>
<br>
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was<br>
forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat<br>
comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's<br>
ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.<br>
<br>
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat<br>
comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies,<br>
"No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then<br>
leaves.<br>
<br>
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter<br>
comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up<br>
the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you<br>
sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.<br>
<br>
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and<br>
is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care<br>
of me! What happened?"<br>
<br>
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you<br>
want?"<br>
<p></p><i></i>
on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she<br>
asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months<br>
and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the<br>
hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so<br>
much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.<br>
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing<br>
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in<br>
front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why<br>
didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"<br>
<br>
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."<br>
<br>
=====================================================================<br>
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet<br>
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before<br>
long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard<br>
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.<br>
<br>
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish<br>
setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and<br>
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the<br>
approaching cat.<br>
<br>
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that<br>
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"<br>
<br>
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror<br>
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard.<br>
"That was close. That dog nearly had me."<br>
<br>
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby<br>
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for<br>
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading<br>
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.<br>
<br>
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a<br>
deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool<br>
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to<br>
that conniving canine."<br>
<br>
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and<br>
thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits<br>
down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And<br>
just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey.<br>
I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me<br>
another leopard, and he's still not back!!"<br>
<br>
> >=====================================================================<br>
There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer,<br>
one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an<br>
engineer from Microsoft.<br>
<br>
The car breaks down.<br>
<br>
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the<br>
engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical<br>
engineer.<br>
<br>
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might<br>
be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."<br>
<br>
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer,<br>
"or maybe a faulty plug lead."<br>
<br>
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say.<br>
They ask him, "What do you think?"<br>
<br>
"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and<br>
open the windows again."<br>
<br>
> >=====================================================================<br>
There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious<br>
man.<br>
<br>
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was<br>
forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat<br>
comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's<br>
ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.<br>
<br>
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat<br>
comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies,<br>
"No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then<br>
leaves.<br>
<br>
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter<br>
comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up<br>
the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you<br>
sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.<br>
<br>
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and<br>
is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care<br>
of me! What happened?"<br>
<br>
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you<br>
want?"<br>
<p></p><i></i>
