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07-05-2003, 10:32 AM

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: 
 
1.On a blanket from Taiwan- 
Not to be used as protection from a tornado. 
2.On a helmet mounted mirror used by U.S. cyclists- 
Remember objects in the mirror are actually behind you. 
3.On a Taiwanese shampoo- 
Use repeatedly for severe damage. 
4.On the bottle top of a (UK) flavored milk drink- 
After opening keep upright. 
5.On a New Zealand insect spray- 
This product is not tested on animals. 
6.In a U.S. guide to setting up a new computer- 
To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 
7.On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids- 
Lie down on bed and insert popscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword guard into anal duct. While inserting popscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet. 
8.In some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles- 
Open other end. 
9.On a packet of Sunmaid raisins- 
Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal? 
10.On a Sears hairdryer- 
Do not use while sleeping. 
11.On a bag of Fritos- 
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) 
12. On a bar of Dial soap- 
Directions-Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?) 
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box)- 
Do not turn upside down. (Too late. You lose!) 
14.On Mark's and Spencer bread pudding- 
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 
15.On a Korean kitchen knife - 
Warning:Keep out of children. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 
16.On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights- 
For indoor or outdoor use only. (As a pose to outer space?) 
17.On a Japanese food processor 
Not to be used for other use. (Now I'm curious.) 
18.On Sainsbuy's peanuts- 
Warning contains nuts. (Really-peanuts contain nuts?) 
19.On an American Airlines packet of nuts- 
instructions-Open packet, eat nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 
20.On a Swedish chainsaw- 
Do not attempt to stop chainsaw with your hands or genitals. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 
21.On a child's superman costume- 
Wearing of this costume does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 
22.On some frozen dinners- 
Serving suggestion:defrost. 
23.on a hotel provided shower cap in a box- 
Fits one head. 
24.On packaging for Rowenta iron- 
Do not iron clothes on body. 
25.On Boot's CHILDREN"S cough medicine- 
Do not drive car or operate machinery. 
26.On nightly sleep aid- 
Warning: May cause drowsiness. (Duh!)

***Praefectusclassis*** · 07-05-2003, 10:53 AM

Greets 
 
Jasper

Jeroen Pelgrom · 07-16-2003, 07:07 AM

t's good to be a man... . 
 
Your rear end is never a factor in a job interview. 
 
Your orgasms are real. 
 
Your last name stays put. 
 
The garage is all yours. 
 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
 
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 
 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
 
You don't care if nobody notices your new haircut. 
 
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 
 
Wrinkles add character. 
 
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished. 
 
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 
 
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 
 
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
 
Porn movies are designed with you in mind. 
 
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?" 
 
You can appreciate great sport. 
 
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet. 
 
One mood, ALL the time. 
 
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. 
 
You can open all your own jars. 
 
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind. 
 
You can go to a public toilet without a support group. 
 
You can leave a hotel bed unmade. 
 
You can kill your own food. 
 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
 
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 
 
If you are 30 and single, nobody notices. 
 
Everything on your face stays its original colour. 
 
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 
 
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
 
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming. 
 
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." 
 
You don't mooch off other's desserts. 
 
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 
 
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 
 
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. 
 
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
 
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
 
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
 
You don't have to shave below your neck. 
 
Your belly usually hides your big hips. 
 
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. 
 
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket-knife. 
 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. 
 
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. 
 
Same job .... more pay. 
 
The world is your urinal

Jeroen Pelgrom · 07-16-2003, 07:09 AM

Another one.. 
 
How To Be Annoying: 
 
1. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 
2. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 
3. only type in lowercase. 
4. dont use any punctuation either 
5. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 
6. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 
7. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 
8. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 
9. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 
10. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories. 
11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 
 
"Do you hear that?" 
"What?" 
"Never mind, it's gone now." 
 
12. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 
13. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 
14. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 
15. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 
16. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 
17. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 
18. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 
19. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 
20. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 
21. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 
22. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 
23. Drive half a block. 
24. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 
25. Ask people what gender they are. 
26. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. 
27. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 
28. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes." 
29. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 
33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 
34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 
36. Wear a LOT of cologne. 
37. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 
38. Sing along at the opera. 
39. Mow your lawn with scissors. 
40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 
42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 
43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 
44. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 
45. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 
46. Never make eye contact. 
47. Never break eye contact. 
48. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 
49. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 
50. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 51. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Jeroen Pelgrom · 07-16-2003, 07:12 AM

and one for the army guys and women 
 
Air Force Maintenance Issues . 
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before next flight. 
 
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION 
 
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement 
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire 
 
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough 
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft 
 
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid, 
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage 
 
(P) Something loose in cockpit 
(S) Something tightened in cockpit 
 
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear 
(S) Evidence removed 
 
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud 
(S) Volume set to more believable level 
 
(P) Dead bugs on windshield 
(S) Live bugs on order 
 
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent 
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground 
 
(P) IFF inoperative 
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode 
 
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick 
(S) That's what they're there for 
 
(P) Number three engine missing 
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search 
 
(P) Aircraft handles funny 
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right", and be serious 
 
(P) Target Radar hums 
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words 
 
(P) UHF Radio Intermittent. 
(S) R2 Pilot. (R2 = remove and replace) 
 
(P) Radio will not operate in official mode. (OFF) 
(S) Short between Headsets.

Jeroen Pelgrom · 07-16-2003, 07:29 AM

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter mat the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.... Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." 
 
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" 
 
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life." 
 
"And whose clock is that?" said Hillary. 
 
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." 
 
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. 
 
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

07-21-2003, 05:31 PM

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Forum. 
 
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious." 
 
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar" 
 
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e, eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag." 
 
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Forum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls". 
 
The crowds are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out." 
 
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Forum again 
 
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out" 
 
The crowd is up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar" 
 
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!" 
 
The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. 
 
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Forum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing......... Away Gauls count double in Europe." 
Veni Vidi Bibi

07-25-2003, 09:44 AM

It's a very cold winter deep in the heart of Russia and this poor little bird has nothing to eat and is slowly dying on the road side. 
This peasant leading his horse passes by and sees the poor little bird. He stops, wandering what to do and meanwhile the horse dumps some dung. 
The peasant has an idea: he takes the poor little bird and puts it into the pile of dung, up to the neck. 
Pretty soon the warmth of the dung revives the poor little bird and he begins pecking on the dung, like birds do. And he is very happy because he is warm and he has a lot to eat. 
So, he begins to whistle, like birds do. 
A hungry fox, passing by not far away, hears the whistling, comes to investigate, pulls the poor little bird out of the pile of dung and eats it.. 
Three lessons are to be learned from this: 
1)- People who will bury you up to you neck in s...t don't necessarily want to harm you. 
2)- People that will pull you out of the s..t do not necessarily want to help you. 
3)-And whatever happens, when you're up to your neck in s..t, it's better not to whistle.

08-24-2003, 07:16 PM

True Stories 
 
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned to his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. 
Understandably, he shot her. 
*************** 
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar a zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. 
The deception wasn't discovered for three days. 
******************* 
An american teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds recieved from an oncoming train. When asked how he recieved the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 
***************************** 
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swolen abdomen. 
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." 
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out of the window1 Aren't you paying attention to me?" 
'Yes, of course I'm paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. And I was hoping they would show up again." 
*********************** 
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at it's intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried again. This time it worked. 
************************** 
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. 
The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of it's men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. 
The chef's claim was approved.

rekirts · 10-11-2003, 03:59 PM

One day after pipe band practice, I decided I needed to stop at the store to pick up a few groceries. I parked the car in the parking lot, and in my hurry, I forgot to lock the car doors. I had left my bagpipes in their case on the back seat. 
As I walked down the dairy aisle, I suddenly realized my mistake and rushed out to the car as fast as I could run--BUT IT WAS TOO LATE! Someone had already placed another set of bagpipes in my car! 
 
Wendy "I am an admirer of the ancients,but not like some people so as to despise the talent of our own times." Pliny the YoungerEdited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showUserPublicProfile?gid=rekirts>rekirts</A> <IMG HEIGHT=10 WIDTH=10 SRC="http://www.cased.ca/images/Eliz.jpg" BORDER=0> at: 10/11/03 6:01 pm

Goffredo · 10-12-2003, 11:30 AM

Hi guys 
I just told my class of physics students the other day this classic joke. Hope I already haven't told it to you guys, if yes forgive me. 
 
A general wants to capture an enemy fort. 
He calls a scout over. 
- "Scout! Go and find out how many emeny troops are in that there fort!" 
- "Yes my General!" 
The scout runs off and only half-an-hour later he returns 
- "My General, in the fort there are 2016 enemy troops, Sir!" 
- "2016??? How did you manage to figure that out is just 30 minutes?" 
- "Easy my General. The fort has four big towers and in each one there are 4 soldiers. 4X4=16. While inside the fort grounds there are.... oh about 2000!"

Gaius Octavius Drusus · 10-13-2003, 01:46 PM

How many Romans does it take to change an oil lamp? 
 
81; one to do it, 80 praetorian guards for security (and to assassinate the one doing the changing because they didn't get their expected donative last month. 
 
 
Gaius Octavius Drusus

Rodicus · 10-13-2003, 04:07 PM

I'll admit that I haven't read through every joke in this thread, so if this has already been posted, apologies. 
 
 
Two parrots are sitting on a perch, when one turns to the other and says, "Do you smell fish?"

10-21-2003, 08:53 PM

This gentleman sitting at the bar orders two martinis. 
-"You mean a double, sir?" Asks the bartender. 
-"No, says the guy, "two martinis. You see, I used to come here with a very good friend of mine and we'd have a martini each. But unfortunately my friend disappeared and so, to remember him, I always order two martinis.." 
-"Oh, says the bartender, I understand. Very sensible of you, sir.." 
The gentleman comes every day at six to get his two martinis for about a

10-21-2003, 08:56 PM

This gentleman sitting at the bar orders two martinis. 
-"You mean a double, sir?" Asks the bartender. 
-"No, says the gentleman, two martinis. You see, I used to come here with a very good friend of mine and we'd have a martini each. But unfortunately my friend disappeared and so, to remember him, I always order two martinis.." 
-"Oh, says the bartender, I understand. Very sensible of you, sir.." 
The gentleman comes every day at six pm to get his two martinis for about a month, then one day as he sits at the bar, the bartender asks: "The usal sir? Two martinis?" 
-"No, just one." 
-"Oh, says the bartender, did your friend reappeared?" 
-"No, says the gentleman, I quit drinking.."

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