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12-12-2002, 03:20 PM

I would have shot him.... 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

12-19-2002, 08:55 PM

I just received this short letter this morning. 
 
Sir, 
I just read your stupid little story about the regrettable incident involving myself and that Mr Steeps. 
Rest assured that if you ever pass through Wilcox, Mo, you'll be in serious trouble. 
You are an as*bleep*le and a son of a *bleep*. People like your kind are sorry excuses for human beings. 
Signed: 
Sherif Harrington. 
 
Do you think I should sue for harassment?

01-08-2003, 05:16 PM

Good Jokes! 
 
This one makes fun of all minoritys in the world so it is not really political incorrect..... M 
 
 
Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was: 
 
"Would you please give your honest opinion about 
solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the 
world?" 
 
The survey was a HUGE failure. 
In Africa they did not know what "food" meant. 
In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" 
meant. 
 
In the former Soviet Union they did not know what "opinion" meant. 
In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant. 
In South America they did not know what "please" meant. 
In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant. 
And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

01-08-2003, 09:21 PM

Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

01-10-2003, 11:56 AM

Very excellent!!E EM 
THese two cows aretalking together. 
-"My farmer is a nice guy, says one. Always feeds me well, keeps me warm in winter.." 
-"Mine is very rude, says the other. Every morning he touches my tits but he never kisses".

01-10-2003, 06:20 PM

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While 
on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she 
asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months 
and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the 
hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so 
much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. 
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing 
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in 
front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why 
didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" 
 
God replied, "I didn't recognize you." 
 
===================================================================== 
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet 
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before 
long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard 
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. 
 
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish 
setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and 
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the 
approaching cat. 
 
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that 
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" 
 
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror 
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. 
"That was close. That dog nearly had me." 
 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby 
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for 
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading 
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. 
 
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a 
deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool 
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to 
that conniving canine." 
 
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and 
thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits 
down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And 
just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. 
I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me 
another leopard, and he's still not back!!" 
 
> >===================================================================== 
There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, 
one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an 
engineer from Microsoft. 
 
The car breaks down. 
 
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the 
engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical 
engineer. 
 
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might 
be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." 
 
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, 
"or maybe a faulty plug lead." 
 
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. 
They ask him, "What do you think?" 
 
"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and 
open the windows again." 
 
> >===================================================================== 
There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious 
man. 
 
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was 
forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat 
comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's 
ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. 
 
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat 
comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, 
"No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then 
leaves. 
 
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter 
comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up 
the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you 
sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. 
 
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and 
is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care 
of me! What happened?" 
 
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you 
want?"

01-18-2003, 07:19 AM

The only cow in a small Missouri town stopped giving milk. 
the people of the town did some research and found that they could buy a cow for just $200 across the state line in Iowa.They brought the cow from Iowa, and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. 
The people decided to aquire a bull to mate with the cow so that they could have many more cows just like it.They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. 
The people got the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow, but when the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. no matter what the bull tried, the cow would always move away, and he was unsuccessful in his quest.the people were very upset, and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. 
they told the vet what was happening. 
"whenever the bull goes to mount her, she just moves away! if he comes from the rear, she moves forward. if he comes from the front, she moves back. if he comes from the side, she moves to the other side." 
The Vet thought about this for a moment, and asked: 
"did you by chance buy this cow in Iowa?" 
the people were dumbfounded as no one had mentioned where the cow came from. 
"You are truly a wise Vet! how did you know the cow came from Iowa?" they asked. 
 
The Vet said, with a distant look in his eye, 
 
"my wife is from Iowa." EM

02-17-2003, 09:49 PM

That topic was going back down into the archives, 27th level. So I decided to put it back up. 
This is a true story. It happened during the french revolution. An aristocrat was about to have his head cut off. At the foot of the stairs leading to the guillotine, he tripped and fell. 
He turned towards the executioner who had picked him up and told him pensively: "Mmm.. An Ancient Roman would have considered this to be a bad omen". 
Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showUserPublicProfile?gid=antoninuslucretius@romanarmytalk>Antoninus Lucretius</A> <IMG HEIGHT=10 WIDTH=10 SRC="http://lucretius.homestead.com/files/Cesar_triste.jpg" BORDER=0> at: 2/17/03 10:51:49 pm

Caius Fabius · 02-18-2003, 01:59 AM

Christian Dog 
 
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. 
 
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). 
 
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. 
 
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. 
 
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." 
 
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" 
 
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

rekirts · 02-18-2003, 05:11 PM

02-22-2003, 07:45 PM

with all the sadness and trauma in the world today, 
a bit of news about an important man went almost unnoticed last week. 
 
Larry LaPrise, writer of the song " the Hokey Pokey" 
died quietly in his home at the age of 93. the hardest part for the family was evidently placing him in the casket. they put his right foot in...and then the trouble started...

02-26-2003, 05:49 PM

Sentences found on patients hospital charts: 
 
-She has no rigors or chills but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. 
-Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 
-On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 
-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 
-The patient has been depressed since he began seeing me in 1993. 
-Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 
-Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 
-The patient refused autopsy. 
-The patient has no previous history of suicides. 
-Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 
-Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days. 
-Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 
-Between you and me we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 
-Since she can't get pregnant by her husband, I thought you might want to work her up. 
-She is numb from her toes down.

02-26-2003, 06:00 PM

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. 
 
Receptionist: "I'm sorry Sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." 
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" 
Receptionist: "Well one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." 
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible. Can we do the test over?" 
Receptionist: "Normally yes. But your health fund won't pay for more than once." 
Mr. Smith: "What am I supposed to now?" 
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

03-02-2003, 03:14 PM

This famous sexologist is giving a lecture and decides he's going to take a poll about sexual relations and more precisely about their frequency. 
He begins by asking those who have sex once a day to raise their hands. 
A good proportion of people raise their hands. 
He asks then those who have sex once a week to raise their hands. 
A bigger proportion of the audience raise their hands. 
He finally asks those who have sex once a month to raise their hands. 
A single guy raises his hands, wearing a huge, satisfied smile on his face. 
-"You have sex only once a month only and you seem to be pretty happy about it. Could you explain us?" Asks the sexologist. 
-it's tonight", says the guy.

03-07-2003, 08:33 PM

for those of you who watch what you eat. Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 
 
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 
 
4. The Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 
 
5.The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans. 
 
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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