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07-30-2002, 03:48 PM

Let's keep it real neutral with the jokes, guys...I appreciate good humor more than the next guy as I have a bad habit of small practical jokes at works, but avoid anything that could get us in a heapa crapola... 
 
Thanks... 
 
(For the record, They are all funny, even the one about Windows 95 when I figured it out... ) Marcus Bruttius Romulus 
Optio 
Legio III Augusta

07-30-2002, 04:37 PM

Marcus, shall I edit my jokes to include nationalities/races that are no longer in existance? I REALLY don't want to get in trouble, believe you me. "Only Trajan could go to Dacia." 
 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

Catiline · 07-30-2002, 04:46 PM

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who 
should be the one in charge. 
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's 
systems, so without me nothing would happen". 
 
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen 
all over, so without me you'd all waste away." 
 
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and 
give all of you energy." 
 
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body 
wherever it needs to go." 
 
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to 
see where it goes." 
 
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for 
waste removal." 
 
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in 
a huff, he shut down tight. 
 
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was 
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was 
toxic. 
 
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. 
 
The moral of the story: the @#%$ is usually in charge! 
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Catiline · 07-30-2002, 04:48 PM

Great lines from job evaluations: 
1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. 
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better. 
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. (Demonstrating here that list was written by an American, this is fairly acommonlplace phrase in hte UK) 
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. 
12. A room temperature IQ. 
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together. 
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 
 
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 
 
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 
 
17. Bright as Alaska in December. 
 
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests. 
 
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 
 
20. Fell out of the family tree. 
 
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 
 
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it. 
 
23. He's so dense, light bends around him. 
 
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund. 
 
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 
 
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change. 
 
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 
 
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 
 
29. One neuron short of a synapse. 
 
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 
 
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. 
 
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 
 
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 
 
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 
 <a href="http://pub45.ezboard.com/fromanarmytalkfrm6.showMessage?topicID=53.topic" target="Rules For Posting">Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/ucatiline.showPublicProfile?language=EN>Catiline</A> <IMG HEIGHT=10 WIDTH=10 SRC="http://images.honesty.com/imagedata/h/634/27/26342710.jpg" BORDER=0> at: 7/30/02 6:51:01 pm

Catiline · 07-30-2002, 04:51 PM

You did ask 
 
Apologies for the formatting... 
New Element Discovered . . 
called ... Administratium 
A major research institution has 
recently announced the discovery of 
the heaviest element yet known to 
science. This new element has been 
tentatively named "Administratium." 
Administratium has 1 neutron, 
12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy 
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy 
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. 
These 312 particles are held together 
by a force called morons, which are 
surrounded by vast quantities of 
lepton-like particles called peons. 
Since Administratium has no 
electrons, it is inert. However, it can be 
detected as it impedes every reaction 
with which it comes into contact. A 
minute amount of Administratium causes 
one reaction to take over 4 days to 
complete when it would normally take 
less than a second. Administratium has 
a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not 
decay but instead undergoes a 
reorganization in which a portion of the 
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons 
exchange places. In fact, Administratium's 
mass will actually increase over time, 
since each reorganization causes some morons 
to become neutrons, forming isodopes. 
This characteristic of moron-promotion 
leads some scientists to speculate that 
Administratium is formed whenever morons 
reach a certain quantity in concentration. 
This hypothetical quantity is referred to 
as "Critical Morass." 
You will know it when you see it. 
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Catiline · 07-30-2002, 04:55 PM

Last one, i promise... 
 
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the Court', and are things people 
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by 
court 
reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were 
actually taking place. 
 
********** 
 
Q: Are you sexually active? 
A: No, I just lie there. 
 
********** 
 
Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July fifteenth. 
Q: What year? 
A: Every year. 
 
********** 
 
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
 
********** 
 
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've 
forgotten? 
 
********** 
 
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years. 
 
********** 
 
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan. 
 
********** 
 
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the 
occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo. 
 
********** 
 
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he 
doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
 
********** 
 
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? 
 
********** 
 
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
 
********** 
 
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And what were you doing at that time? 
 
********** 
 
Q: She had three children, right? 
A: Yes. 
Q: How many were boys? 
A: None. 
Q: Were there any girls? 
 
********** 
 
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? 
A: By death. 
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 
 
********** 
 
Q: Can you describe the individual? 
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Q: Was this a male, or a female? 
 
********** 
 
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice 
which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
 
********** 
 
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
 
********** 
 
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
A: Oral. 
 
********** 
 
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an 
autopsy. 
 
********** 
 
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
 
********** 
 
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for breathing? 
A: No. 
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
A: No. 
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. 
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Goffredo · 07-31-2002, 12:24 AM

An orchestra needs a new trumpet player. 
An advertisement is posted comunicating that a certain day and time auditions will take place in the concert hall. The day arrives and two musicians present themselves. The stage is lit, the hall lights are dimmed, the director is sitting in the 10th row. 
 
The first musician is called out. He is well groomed and dressed and walks surely towards the center of the stage, opens his trumpet case and pulls out a polished instrument. He positions the score without hurry, slowly places the mouth piece on his humid lips and.... Oh GOD! 
WHAT A TERRIBLE SOUND! 
 
The second musician comes out. He stumbles and walks nervously to the center. He has a two day old beard, is wearing a wrinkled trench coat and carries his trumpet in a plastic bag of a popular Indian supermarket. The trumpet is tarnished and presents a couple of dents. He even drops the score... Finally he gets into position and his whole aura changes as a calm but deeply concentrated expression takes over his face.... 
 
WORST THAN THE FIRST ONE! 
 
 
chuckle chuckle

Goffredo · 07-31-2002, 12:46 AM

A new professor has scheduled the first test of his new class. 
-OKAY EVERYONE, THERE ARE 100 TRUE/FALSE QUESTIONS. YOU HAVE AN HOUR STARTING... NOW! 
The students jump to their pens and begin the test. After just a few minutes the professor notices a student in the back of the class flipping a coin, catching and then glancing at it and then quickly scribbling on his test sheet. The professor is about to bark at him but, as the student will fail anyway, he decides to give the student a vigorous man-to-man talk after the test. 
 
An hour passes. 
-OKAY EVERYONE, TIME'S JUST ABOUT UP. HAND IN THE TEST... NOW! 
The students get up and begin handing in. But the professor notices the same student at the back of the class still flipping the coin and scribbling at the test! 
-HEY, I SAID THAT ITS TIME TO HAND IN! DO IT NOW! 
-JJJUST A MMOMENT PRRROFESSOR. I AM CH-CHECKING THE ANSWERS! 
 
 
hee hee

Goffredo · 07-31-2002, 01:09 AM

A soul goes to hell. The devil at the check-in desk asks: 
- What HELL do you prefer? The GERMAN hell or the ITALIAN hell? 
- Ehhh, What? 
- SIR! Which do you prefer?! 
- Uhh, well,... what's with the GERMAN hell? 
- Mmmm (annoyed). In the GERMAN hell the guests are 
soaking in boiling @#%$ up to their necks, their heads scorced with flames and smoke chocking their throats and nostrils,.. high quality stuff you know! 
- Uhh...h (yikes!). What's with the ITALIAN hell? 
- MMMMmmm (more annoyed). The SAME! 
- Oo..h. ??? The same? Then why the different names? 
- (What good did I do to deserve THIS front desk job?) 
In the ITALIAN HELL occasionally the @#%$ runs out, the flames die down and the inservients go on strike!

07-31-2002, 04:03 AM

I don't get the first joke. Maybe it's late... "Only Trajan could go to Dacia." 
 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

07-31-2002, 04:33 AM

A Roman Matron is peeved with her husband because of his constant gas attacks. they are particularly bad when he's asleep. she constantly teases him that one day he will surely fart his guts right out of his body. 
well, all this has gone on for quite a long while, when one morning she has to get up very early to begin preparing a turkey for the dinner they'll have that evening. as she pulls the giblets out of the turkey, she gets a fabulous idea for a practical joke on her husband. she quietly grabs the turkey guts and tiptoes into the bedroom, where the husband is asleep, snoring loudly, and every few moments cutting loose with awful farts.she sneaks over next to the bed and gently raising his waistband , slips the turkey guts into his underwear. the poor man sleeps on... 
a couple of hours later, as the wife is toiling away in the kitchen,she can't help but giggle over the terrible shock awaiting her husband. suddenly she hears a horrific shriek from the bedroom, and sees her husband flash like a bolt into the bathroom. by this point she's laughing uncontrollably. 
a few minutes later the man walks into the kitchen in his robe looking quite shaken. he says to his wife, " 
honey, you know how you're always telling me I'm gonna s*$# my guts out? Well this morning it happened." 
and holding up the first two fingers of his right hand says, " but by the grace of god and these two fingers, I got 'em back up there! 
 
Valete!

Richomeres · 07-31-2002, 07:04 AM

Two men die and come to the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter lets them in and tells them "Well guys, we have just one rule here: do not step on the ducks." And really, there are duck everywhere sitting close one to another. On the second day one of the men stepped on a duck. St. Peter comes to the men accompanied by a really ugly hag. He chains her to the wrist of the first man, shaking his white head and says "I warned you, but you stepped on that duck. So you will spend the Eternity chained to this woman." Shuddering the second man goes on, tiptoeing around every duck. Two weeks later St. Peter comes to the second man with a breathtaking beauty, chains them together without a word and walks away, shaking his head. "Wow! How have I deserved this?" the man asks in astonishment. The woman looks at him and says "Well, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

07-31-2002, 08:31 AM

>Marcus, shall I edit my jokes to include nationalities/races >that are no longer in existance? I REALLY don't want to get >in trouble, believe you me. 
 
Hmmm...that would probably work quite well...I also see no need whatsoever to censor words unless they are REALLY strong... 
 
BTW, anyone got some really good blonde jokes? E EM Marcus Bruttius Romulus 
Optio 
Legio III Augusta

TITVS SABATINVS AQVILIVS · 07-31-2002, 08:50 AM

A blonde matrona walking by the river came across another blonde matrona directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said "hey, how do i get to the other side"? The other blonde answered "You're already on the other side". 
 
Ualete, 
Titus Sabatinus Aquilius

TITVS SABATINVS AQVILIVS · 07-31-2002, 08:52 AM

What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell? 
GIFTED! 
What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells? 
PREGNANT! 
What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells? 
A GOLDEN RETRIEVER! 
 
Ualete, 
Titus Sabatinus Aquilius

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