jokes, please... - Printable Version

jokes, please... - Printable Version

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A little bit of advertising - Anonymous - 03-09-2003

Hi! Okay, I'll admit, this has a bit of advertising involved. I run a joke mailing list. I fyou like these three jokes come check out more at groups.yahoo.com/group/Rennie_Jokes/ 
 
Thank you! 
 
****** 
 
Three college guys were talking about taking a road trip to the mardigras. Unfortauntly, it was two days before the final exams. 
'No worries, we can make it in time,' they said. 
 
They went and had the time of their lives, partying and drinking. Unfortauntly, they all had hang overs and didn't make it back until the day after the exam. 
 
They went to see the professor together. 
'We went to my mates house to study for a couple of hours before the exams. First the traffic was terrible, then we got a flat tire. We tried to make it in time but we couldn't. We were hoping you'd let us take the exam still.' 
The professor smiled. 'Of course I will.' 
 
So he set them up, each in a seperate room. Then he handed out the tests. They were 100 marks each. 
 
Each guy looked at the first page. It was an easy five mark answer. 
'Wow. I hope the rest of the test will be this easy,' they thought. 
 
They turned the page. It read. 
 
Question 2 (95 marks): 
Which tyre? 
 
********* 
 
Adam and Karen decided to get married after a long relationship. They were both Christians and had therefore not done the deed, and were eagerly anticipating the wedding night. 
 
One morning, two weeks before the wedding, the Karen rings her Mother in tears. 
'Mum, I get terribly bad breath in the morning. Adam doesn't know. What if, after the wedding night, he doesn't want to be married to me any longer?' 
'Calm down dear,' said her Mother. 'What you do is, in the morning, don't say anything. Don't even open your mouth. Just go downstairs and make coffee for Adam and on the way back, duck into the bathroom and brush your teeth. He'll never know.' 
'Oh thank you! I'll do it.' 
 
A week before the big night, Adam rings his Father. 
'Dad, I'm so worried. I love Karen heaps, but my feet smell terrible in the morning. What if, when she smells them, she doesn't want to be with me any longer?' 
'Son, don't worry. Just wear socks at night and in the morning, get her to make you coffee. While she's down stairs making it, quickly duck in the shower and wash your feet. She'll never know.' 
 
So, the couple took their parents advice. For two years, the mariage was happy. Then, one morning, Adam woke up sensing something was wrong. A strange smell was starting to waft through the room. 
'Oh no!' he thought, and checked his feet. Sure enough, one sock was missing. He scrambeled about in the bed looking for it. 
 
All the movement woke up Karen. Forgetting herself, she asked, 'What on Earth are you doing?' 
'Oh My god!' said Adam. 'You swallowed my sock!' 
 
********** 
 
Brad bought a brand new car and decided to try it out. He was taking it for a spin, when he noticed he had the road to himself. 
'Why shouldn't I open her up?' he thought. 'It's just this once.' 
So he started to speed up. Suddenly he heard a siren behind him and saw the blue and reds. 
'No mere cop car can catch this baby!' he thought, and sped up. 
Suddenly, he thought 'What am I doing?' and pulled over. He sat nervously waiting as the cop came round to the window. 
 
'Look, I've had a really bad night,' said the cop. 'I don't really want to book anyone else. If you can give me a really good, ORIGINAL excuse for speeding, I'll let you off.' 
Brad thought of somthing instantly. 'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you trying to give her back.' 
 
Naturally he got off without even a fine.

Re: A little bit of advertising - Anonymous - 05-02-2003

<img src="http://lucretius.homestead.com/files/catcarrier.jpg" style="border:0;"/>

Re: A little bit of advertising - Anonymous - 05-02-2003

 
 
I wonder if they make a human version? I know a few people that could use one. Magnus/Matt 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix" Coh I 
 
- Let it be known, that I have 1248 posts to date, but because the techies at Ezboard are incompetent, they no longer show up.

Re: A little bit of advertising - rekirts - 05-02-2003

I think that cat carrier is really nasty...however, my dogs think it is hilarious. 
 
Wendy

cat carrier - Anonymous - 05-02-2003

OMGoodness! I don't think I've laffed as hard for a while! Very good! There's a pesky cat that's been frequenting my yard for the birds at the feeders...Oh how delisiouly perfect that would be. Too bad you have to "catch" the cat first. 
 
Ok, here's my joke: 
 
4 Frat buddies are at college nearing Finals. They all really, badly want to hit Mardi Gras before the end of school. It just so happens they all have 1 day off before a BIG final in the same class. They figure they can drive down there, party-hearty, and drive back in time to cram and ace the exam. 
 
So, Mardi Gras goes off with a bang. Unfortunatly they all had a little too much to drink (well, you knew THAT was coming), and they are running very late. They try thier darndess to race back to campus. They get to the classroom 2 hours late, but the Professor is still there. 
 
One of the students manages the courage to speak up for the group. "Sir, we are so very sorry, but you see, we were all at home studying, and then had to pick each other up. We were racing as fast as we could to get here in time to take the exam, but our car broke down on the expressway, and after we got that fixed, wouldn't you know we blew a tire 5 miles from the campus! We just couldn't believe it! We all tried our best to change it, but we just didn't know what we were doing, finally a tow truck came by and saved us! We are so sorry but we really hope you will let us take the exam tomorrow during makeup?" 
 
The professor, obviously used to this, sighs and ponders for a moment. The students sweat buckets. Finally he agrees. He sets a time. 
 
The students arrive surprisingly early for the makeup. The professor gives them a 10 page exam each, and has them sit in 4 seperate rooms, so that none of the students can see or hear each other. 
 
The students begin the exam. The first 9 pages are all "easy" multiple choice questions, and each student is sure they are doing terrific. The last page is a small line: 
 
Extra Credit: 
 
Which tire? 
 
 
-ANDY

Re: cat carrier - Anonymous - 05-02-2003

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me 
life, between the legs of me wife!" 
 
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! 
 
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best 
toast of the night." 
 
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" 
 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church 
beside me wife." 
 
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 
 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street 
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the 
other night, with a toast about you, Mary." 
 
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only 
been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull 
him by the ears to make him come." 
Magnus/Matt 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix" Coh I 
 
- Let it be known, that I have 1248 posts to date, but because the techies at Ezboard are incompetent, they no longer show up.

Re: cat carrier - Anonymous - 05-02-2003

Ten guys and one girl are marooned on a desert island.After a month, she's so ashamed of what she's doing with all these horny guys, she kills herself. 
 
After another month, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing... 
....they bury her. 
 
After another month, they're so ashamed of what they're doing they dig her up again. 
Magnus/Matt 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix" Coh I 
 
- Let it be known, that I have 1248 posts to date, but because the techies at Ezboard are incompetent, they no longer show up.

Re: jokes, please... - Anonymous - 05-02-2003

Don't mess with this lady 
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." 
 
Let's go for stupid 
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead." 
 
Caught for speeding 
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could, sir." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. 
 
Stuck under a bridge 
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." 
 
Drunk? 
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple." 
 
Dealing with trouble 
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape 
artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and 
jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest." 
 
Too Late 
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture," the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" 
the cop asked. "My wife," said the man. 
Magnus/Matt 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix" Coh I 
 
- Let it be known, that I have 1248 posts to date, but because the techies at Ezboard are incompetent, they no longer show up.

Re: jokes, please... - Anonymous - 05-04-2003

I've been told this one is true: 
The usual mess at LA airport. Several flights have been cancelled and there's chaos at the counters. A long line of people are waiting and a lone attendant is there, doing the best she can to put them on their way. 
Then this angry gentleman waiving a first class ticket cuts across the line: 
-"I'm a first class passenger, I demand to be put in the first plane to New York!" 
-"Sir, says the attendant, there's ony me in here so if you kindly stand in line like all those other people I'll try to do as fast as I can". 
-"WHAT!! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!!" 
At this point the attendant picked up the PA microphone: 
-"IS THERE A DOCTOR HERE? I HAVE A GENTLEMAN WHO CAN'T REMEMBER WHO HE IS.."

Re: jokes, please... - Anonymous - 05-08-2003

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off. 
 
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the 
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog,and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. 
 
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, engines start up is accomplished. The plane starts to taxi to the runway. 
 
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. 
 
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. 
 
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. 
 
In the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die.!

re:jokes, please - Anonymous - 05-12-2003

Driving to the office this morning, I (a man) looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85m.p.h. with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back again she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!! 
 
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!! 
 
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!

Re: re:jokes, please - Gaius Decius Aquilius - 05-17-2003

Maybe a few period jokes would be in order... 
 
Two Egyptians were walking down the street when they saw a priest of Amon Ra walking towards them with his arm in a sling. They stoped and asked him what happened. The priest said " I slipped while in the bathtub and broke my arm". The two Egyptians told him how sorry they were and continued on. One Tured to the other and asked "Whats a bathtub?" The other said "I don't know. I worship Aton".

Re: re:jokes, please - Gaius Decius Aquilius - 05-18-2003

There were two Spartan hoplites sitting a dive in Rome drinking and flirting with each other. The waitress brought them another round, as as she left one of the Spartans followed her with his eyes. His companion huffed "Your not thinking about going straight are you"? "Never!", The first one exclaimed. "Its just sometimes I wish I was a lesbian". (Or in the original literal translation "I wish I was from Lesbos"). Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showUserPublicProfile?gid=gaiusdeciusaquilius@romanarmytalk>Gaius Decius Aquilius</A> at: 5/18/03 3:36:12 am

re:jokes please - Anonymous - 05-18-2003

There are some transalations of Roman period jokes to be found here: 
www.stoa.org/diotima/anth...okes.shtml

Re: re:jokes please - Anonymous - 05-22-2003

Just heard this one at the office. 
We're working in here.. 
Parental discretion advised.. 
 
The lobby of a big hotel. There is a crowd waiting to get in the elevator and a crowd wanting to get out and in the confusion this gentleman inadvertently hits that very nice young lady in the breasts with his elbow. 
-"Awfully sorry, he says. If your heart is as tender as your bosom, I hope you will forgive me.." 
-"Well, she replies, if you d..k is as hard as your elbow, I'll be at room 445..."