jokes, please... - Printable Version

jokes, please... - Printable Version

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Re: jokes, please... - rekirts - 09-23-2002

Ok, I'm sort of cheating cause this isn't exactly a joke... 
 
A HIGH TURNOVER 
by Wendy S. 
 
The emperor Caligula was murdered by his guard 
who felt his insane antics were befitting the graveyard. 
 
The ambitious Agrippina wished son, Nero, to have power; 
she fed Claudius some mushrooms and he died within the hour. 
 
Nero was a nasty man who reigned for fourteen years-- 
condemned to death, he stabbed himself, and very few shed tears. 
 
In the year of the four emperor's--as it came to be known 
Galba, Otho, and Vitellius were killed while on the throne. 
 
The infamous Domitian held an autocratic view 
that annoyed so many people an assassin ran him through. 
 
Let's not forget Commodus--when he went out of his mind 
his ministers thought his demise would benefit mankind. 
 
Among those done away with in one way or another 
was Septimius Geta who was murdered by his brother. 
 
Then brother Caracalla met his own untimely end 
through an officer int the army who had erstwhile been his friend. 
 
This is just a sample from a long list of ambitious 
rulers of the empire whose deaths were quite suspicious. 
 
You see the Roman emperors had power, fame and wealth-- 
but it was a job, by all accounts, most dangerous to the health. 
 
Wendy

Re: jokes, please... - Anonymous - 10-07-2002

2 Weasals are sitting at a bar, one is obviously drunk. All of a sudden, the one doing all the drinking leans over to the other weasal, and yells out "I slept with your mother!". 
 
At this, the entire bar goes quit, the other people expecting something to happen. Calmly, the other weasal takes a sip of his drink, and does nothing about the outburst. A few minutes later, the bar is back to normal, and people are chatting amongst themselves, when the drunken weasal turns to the other and yells out "I slept with your MOTHER!". 
 
Once more the bar goes dead silent. The other weasal, having had enough, gets up, puts his coat on, and says "Ok Dad, let's go home." 
 

 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

electrons - Goffredo - 10-07-2002

Two atoms are running down the street, each minding his own business. Distracted they bump into one another. 
Atom B, after recombing his hair, notices that atom A is looking nervously around his own feet, glancing here and there on the side-walk, searching his pockets... 
 
"Did you loose something?" 
"Yes, I lost an electron!" 
"Are you sure?" 
" Yep, I'm positive!" 
 
hee hee

neutrons - Goffredo - 10-07-2002

A nice neutron goes into a pub. 
He orders a nice beer. 
The barman pours the beer and takes it to the thirsty neutron. The nice neutron drinks slowly, munching a few chips on the side. He finishes up and goes towards the barman to pay. 
 
"How much for the beer and chips?" 
"For you... no charge!" 
 
Har har

Re: neutrons - TITVS SABATINVS AQVILIVS - 10-08-2002

 
 
 
Ahahahaha...! 
 
Good one, Goffredo! 
 
Vale, 
Titus Sabatinus Aquilius 
 
"Desilite, inquit, commilitones, nisi vultis aquilam hostibus prodere" D.B.G. (4.25)

One doing the rounds in the UK at the moment - Anonymous - 10-14-2002

(This joke is best served when dropped into a morbid conversation) 
 
I've decided that when I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandad.... 
 
 
 
 
Not screaming in terror like his passengers...... Veni Vidi Bibi

Re: One doing the rounds in the UK at the moment - TITVS SABATINVS AQVILIVS - 10-15-2002

 
 
A really gorgeus girl is still on the shelf due to her really 
terribly stinking breath. Her mother trying to find a husband for the daughter, persuades her to go to the annual ball, even if any guy of the town knows about her breath, and then reccomends to her to absolutely never open the mouth, but just smile. 
 
On the big day, the beautiful girl passes a whole afternoon in a beauty center and then dresses up: she is a really smashing girl. 
 
At the ball, even if looking so fine, none looks at her or stays in her neighbourhood. 
 
Finally, a good looking stranger guy, impressed by so much beauty, invites the girl to dance. She agrees just smiling. 
 
While dancing, the guy try to chat: 
"what's your name?" She just smiles... 
"how old are you?" She just smiles... 
"what do you like?" She just smiles... 
 
The guy thinks now the girl is a bit idiot, so does the last attempt: 
"please, tell me at least if you like to dance with me!" 
 
The girl does not resist anymore and says : "yes!" 
 
And the guy: "Wow!, have you farted?" 
 
And the girl replies: "no!" 
 
And the guy: "but this time, yes!" 
 
 
Valete, 
Titus Sabatinus Aquilius 
 
"Desilite, inquit, commilitones, nisi vultis aquilam hostibus prodere" D.B.G. (4.25)

blonde joke - Anonymous - 10-17-2002

Someone asked for blonde jokes, so here's one... 
 
A blonde walks into a salon to get her haircut. She's sharply dressed and wearing a set of head phones, which are attached to a walkman. 
 
"I'd like to have my haircut, but under no circumstances can you remove these headphones," the blonde says. 
 
The stylist thinks this to be an odd request, argues that the haircut will look terrible if he trys to cut around them, but no matter how much he protests, he still cannot convince the woman to remove her headphones for the haircut. 
 
Resigned to providing a poor haircut, he cuts her hair, but she is more than happy about it (though it is uneven around the headphones), and she schedules a new appointment for one month later. 
 
Her next appointment arrives, she sits in the seat, giving the same orders to not remove the headphones, but only this time, she falls asleep in the chair. Well the hairstylist is bound and determine to make her hair look good, so while she is sleeping, he gently removes the headphones and proceeds to give the woman a fabulous haircut, complete with hi-lights and the whole nine yards. Pleased with himself, and convinced the woman will love it, he tries to nudge the woman awake, and when she doesn't stir, he shakes her a little harder. 
 
It's then that he realises the women has died! 'OH my god!!" the stylist gasped. "She's dead? But how?" Fretting that maybe he would be accused of killing her, he wanted to set her up exactly as she was when she came into his salon, so he quickly snatched up the headphones to place back upon her head. When he did so, he heard a voice saying: 
 
"Breathe in........Breathe out.......Breathe in.......Breathe out...." 
 
 
 
Britannicus

Re: blonde joke - Anonymous - 10-17-2002

E EM 
 
Magnus/Matt 
Optio 
Legio XXX "Ulpia Victrix"

Re: A few scientific facts - Anonymous - 11-10-2002

Did you know that: 
It is by peeing, out of pure perversity, into his little sister's baby bottle that young Ebenezer B. Dannon, age six, invented yogurt. 
 
Have you ever wondered who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 
 
Have you ever wondered why the person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? 
 
How come the professor in Gilligan's island can make a radio out of coconuts and can't fix a friggin hole in a boat? 
 
Does a hearse carrying a corpse qualifies for driving in the carpool lane? 
 
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 
 
And now a dot.com joke: 
A man, who barely made it through the dot.com/Nasdaq crash, calls his financial company one fine mornin' and asks: "May I speak to Mr. Spencer, my broker, please?" 
The operator replies, "I'm sorry. Mr Spencer is deceased. Can anyone else help you?" The man says no and hangs up. 
Ten minutes later he calls again and asks again for Mr Spencer. 
-"Didn't you call ten minutes ago? I already told you, I'm afraid Mr Spencer has died.." Says the operator. 
The guys hangs up again. 
Fifteen minutes later he calls a third time and this time the operator gets irked. 
-"Listen buddy, I already told you twice, the man's dead! Why do you keep asking?! 
-"I just loooove hearing it", says the guy 
Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showUserPublicProfile?gid=antoninuslucretius@romanarmytalk>Antoninus Lucretius</A> at: 11/10/02 12:57:50 pm

Re: A few scientific facts - Gaius Octavius Drusus - 11-10-2002

Ave, Antonius: 
 
Another version of your last joke goes as follows: 
 
A guy walks up to one of the Marine guards at the White House and says: "I'd like to see Bill Clinton, please". The marine says "I'm sorry, sir, Bill Clinton is no longer President of the United States". The guy then turns around and leaves. 
The next day, the same guy appears at the gate and asks the marine the same question. The answer is of course "I'm sorry sir, Bill Clinton is no longer President of the United States" 
On the third day, the marine sees the same guy coming back. The guy asks I'd like to see Bill Clinton, please". The marine is highly annoyed and asks the guy "Why do you keep coming back here and asking the same qurestion day after day? I already told you Bill Clinton is no longer President of the United States!!!" 
The guy answers back "Beacuse I just like hearing you say that..." 
 
Gaius Octavius Drusus

Re: A few scientific facts - Anonymous - 11-11-2002

 
..And while we're on politics.. 
After Monica L. untimely leave, they needed a replacement and three girls were selected for a test. After a week's work at the White House all three were sent home. "We'll contact you", says the White House. 
A week later they all get a $ 3.000 check sent to them "mistakenly" by the White House to test their integrity... 
The first candidate sends the check back to the White House. 
The second one puts the check in the bank and decides to wait and see. 
The third one decides that it's their mistake and that she's going to spend the three thousand on clothes and stuff. 
 
Which one of the three girls was picked up for the job? 
 
The one with the big boobs. 
Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showUserPublicProfile?gid=antoninuslucretius@romanarmytalk>Antoninus Lucretius</A> at: 11/11/02 2:48:50 pm

An old one - Anonymous - 11-27-2002

(An old chess joke about two rivals, Alekhine and Bogolubov, as told by Alekhine.) 
 
I had a dream last night that I had died and gone to Heaven. When I arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter would not allow me to enter! 
 
I asked him why I was not allowed to enter. St Peter replied, " Chess players are not allowed in Heaven". 
 
"But", I said, "I see Bogolubov in there!" . St Peter replied, " Ah! But Bugolubov only THINKS he can play chess!"

Re: An old one - Anonymous - 12-12-2002

Nothing... Just checking out the new font system... Nice. Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showUserPublicProfile?gid=antoninuslucretius@romanarmytalk>Antoninus Lucretius</A> <IMG HEIGHT=10 WIDTH=10 SRC="http://lucretius.homestead.com/files/Cesar_triste.jpg" BORDER=0> at: 12/13/02 12:35:09 pm

Re: jokes, please... - Anonymous - 12-12-2002

FIRST AMENDMENT. 
 
A tale of Justice. 
 
Let's face it, when Harold W. Steeps was pulled over by officer Wilbur P. Harrington, from the Wilcox, Mo, Sheriff's Office he was barreling down the interstate past 100 miles an hour. 
But that is no excuse for the untolerable facts that happened afterwards and constitute a blatant example of how Justice can be profanated through brutal and thoughtless law enforcement. 
Take notice, I'm not gonna do that one twice. 
So, Steeps was doing 100 miles an hour. He's stopped by officer Harrington, whose duty it is to protect, serve and pull over assholes barreling down interstates at breakneck speed. 
-"May I see you driver license, please sir?" Politely asks officer Harrington. 
-"Oot gleet", answers Steeps in a friendly way while handing out the license to the officer. 
-"Beg your pardon?" Asks the officer. 
-"Ougl Beagl", Says Steeps with a smile. 
Officer Harrington, who's seen more than his share of yoyos in his twenty years' career, decides he won't pay attention. 
-"Sir, are you aware of the speed at which you were driving?" 
-"Tweedle dum", says Steeps, still smiling. 
OK, Harrington thinks, the man's frigging drunk. 
-"Could you please step out of the car sir", he orders. And Steeps goes "Eet woozoye wickybaa", before stepping out of the car, as ordered. 
And well, Steeps successfully passes all the funny tests police officers make you go through when they want to see if you were driving while intoxicated, or DWI as they say. 
However the only words officer Harrington can pull out of him are "Blazooie, glip, hooltop, pleenwee" and such. 
Officer Harrington has a problem. "Could you please answer clearly? Are you trying to be funny with me?" 
-"Hoowiltee", says Steeps. 
- "AWRIGHT TURN AROUND! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST BUDDY!" 
And indeed Steeps finds himself under arrest, handcuffed, mirandized and all and taken to the Wilcox, Mo, Sheriff's Office. Not suprisingly he is introduced there to Ebenezer D. Smith, known by the affectionate nickname of Sheriff Ebbie. 
-"I Caught a strange one, sheriff", says Harrington, pushing Steeps in front of him into the station. 
-"Zeeptickle!" Says guess who. 
-"Say again?" Asks sheriff Ebbie. 
-"Zeeptickle", obligingly repeats Steeps 
OK, to make a long story a bit shorter: sheriff Ebbie gets aggravated in his turn after a while and several "heebtooty", "ludwoos", "blouks" and other "oot greets" he gets in answer to his questions. 
And off goes Steeps to the cell, but before, of course, he gets his phone call. And guess who he calls? 
He calls his lawyer. Steeps is a wealthy person living in Washington,DC, and he can afford several. With connections. 
And for once he speaks clearly and what he explains to his lawyers is that he has been unduly and unjustly arrested for no apparent reason. 
He agrees he was driving beyond the speed limit when pulled over and states he is willing and able to pay any fine related to that misdemeanor. 
Then he adds that his First Amendment rights were infringed upon in the grossest and vilest manner, since apparently he was manhandled, handcuffed and taken to the police station simply for uttering unintelligible words, something that is definitely protected under the First Amendment. 
"There is no law against uttering unintelligible words now, is it?" sheriff Ebbie hears Steep say on the horn. 
-"We're in trouble", sheriff Ebbie thinks... 
Needless to say, sheriff Ebbie's office is slammed with legal papers, affidavits, subpoenas, the lot, quite shortly afterwards due to the fact that, according to those legal papers, officer Harrington had made a "Unlawful and wrongful arrest". 
The bill for damages after this "unlawful and wrongful arrest" is on the whereabouts of $1M, which is the technical term to describe one million bucks. 
Kazoom. 
Then, during an afternoon that will not go down in history as a great afternoon, at least in officer Harrington's book, that good policeman has to take the stand in court and answer questions from a beaming lawyer, doing his number in front of a beaming audience. 
-"Now tell me, officer Harrington, when my client uttered 'ougl beagl' to you, did he utter it in an insulting or contemptful manner?" 
-"I guess not.." 
-"It's not a guessing game, officer Harrington, it's a simple answer yes or no that I want" 
-"Awright... No." 
-"And yet you arrested my client and took him handcuffed to the police station, did you not?" 
Lawyers do love to use "did you not" or "were you not", for some unfathomable reason. 
-"So you assumed my client was suspect simply because he said, and I quote: 'Zeeptickle, heekbbotee krillwitter beagl.' did you not? Despite the fact that those words were uttered in a non-insulting and non-contemptful manner, were they not? You did not assume my client could have a pronounciation defect, did you not? How do you consider this serious breach of my client's constitutional rights, do you not? How do you behave, for instance, with paraplegics, officer Harrington, you shoot them?!" 
-"Objection your Honor, paraplegics have nothing to do with this." 
-"Sustained. It will be noted on the record that officer Harrington does not shoot at paraplegics." 
And so on.. You know, legal stuff. 
But anyways, they setlled for $1/2M, which is the technical term to describe half a million bucks or five hundred grands. 
Sheriff Ebbie's office acknowledged in writing in the local paper, "The Wilcox Telegram", that indeed it had infringed upon Steeps unalienable and unprescribable rights, under the First Amendment, to utter unintelligible words if he so wished. That was part of the settlement. 
Needless to say, sheriff Ebbie was not re-elected next time around, since the good people of Wilcox, Mo, had to cough up the half million through local taxes.. 
Eventually, the court proceedings ceased to proceed and the good judge, whose name was Winston K. McIntosh, by the way, finally asked Steeps why exactly he had done all that. 
-"Eexbiuttle", explained Steeps. 
-"Have a nice day, Mr.Steeps", answered the judge. A prudent man. 
Edited by: <A HREF=http://pub45.ezboard.com/bromanarmytalk.showUserPublicProfile?gid=antoninuslucretius@romanarmytalk>Antoninus Lucretius</A> <IMG HEIGHT=10 WIDTH=10 SRC="http://lucretius.homestead.com/files/Cesar_triste.jpg" BORDER=0> at: 12/13/02 12:25:24 pm